My Story
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So part of what drives my passion for recovery is my own story, my own recovery from what some people think of as a condition that does not go away, I have now moved beyond this and here is my story.
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In 2006 I was doing some exercise at home and I suddenly started feeling acutely unwell, I experienced shaking that I couldn't stop and a strange altered sensation in my left arm and leg. The shaking stopped by the next day but I was completely drained of energy and my left arm and leg symptoms were worrying me.
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I was not aware of the context to this health breakdown until months or even years later. There is always a context to symptom onset, even if we don't immediately see it. It was burn out and I didn't even see it coming. I was working in the health service dealing with my patients' health problems (often taking on others problems too much), I'd just got a promotion, a new mortgage and was pushing hard at work, playing tennis and football 4-5 times a week, getting drunk twice a week! No self care in there, no time to rest, poor diet, I was totally unaware of my stress levels and unaware I wasn't looking after my self.
My symptoms were simply my body telling me to stop, they whispered first with knee and shin pains, they talked louder with recurrent colds, stomach bugs and flu's...I still didn't listen and so they shouted and that shout took me down, in fact it knocked me down so far it took me years to recover.
After blood tests, an ultrasound scan, frequent frustrating GP visits and a lot of denial on my part I was diagnosed with M.E/CFS, the same condition I had seen someone very close to me suffer with for many years. My other fears (here speaks a recovering hypochondriac!) was Multiple Sclerosis (M.S) these left sided feelings (even weakness at times) were not going, in fact they were worse than ever, no one could explain them and they felt very neurological. If I'd known then what I know now I would have been a reassurance to my self, not a worrier. I'd have explained that when we are in a stress state the central nervous system can throw off all sorts of symptoms including pain, altered sensations like pins and needles and even restless legs.
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I took advice from others who had M.E, I had to take 9 months off work and sadly had to drop down to part time for a good few years. My friends didn't see me much, my family were good to me and my girlfriend (now wife) was my strongest supporter. I expected that if I paced myself and had a enough rest I would quickly recharge my batteries, this wasn't the case, I had to get my self in what is known as a 'healing state'. In fact my recovery took 6 years, some steps forwards and some back, recovery is rarely linear.
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I missed out on a lot of things, I had to step away from the regular nights out, from socialising (I found that particularly hard). I stopped sport: this was easy at the time as I was in no fit state, but not in the later stages of recovery and now I realise how sport gave me more than it took away. In hindsight I should have returned to regular exercise sooner.
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Key aspects of my recovery were getting clarification and education about my condition and getting advice on how to move through this. I needed to know that recovery was totally possible. At first we hope, then we see change and then we can start to believe recovery will happen. I continued to speak to others who had recovered, read books on health recovery, I listened to recovery stories, I learned meditation and techniques to clear stress and emotions. I sought support from the Optimum Health Clinic (a specialist centre for ME/CFS/Fibromyalgia) and attended some courses that really helped.
I saw a great counsellor in Huddersfield who helped me to offload and look for a deeper meaning in my symptoms, I had regular meetings with a nutritionist, changed my diet and took supplements. I joined a meditation group over the phone on conference call. I was opening up to all avenues of healing and only a few people knew all the paths I have been down. I was embarrassed to share all things I did for my health with others, but why? Chinese acupuncture, reiki, lymphatic massage, cranio-sacral therapy may be classed as 'alternative therapies' but they can all get the body into a healing state. I do not feel that in isolation they are the total answer and my road to recovery was inclusion of many health practices and a very healthy daily routine.
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Things moved on slowly but surely and I got married in Summer 2011, despite at times still feeling unwell, it was a huge step forwards.
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My eventual recovery was around 2012. Moving house, the birth of my son, playing more tennis, taking on more work, gave me a focus away from my condition, at this point it was needed. There are times when recovering from a health condition that we have to take that swing away from being focused on symptoms, when we have healed enough and learned enough, the next step is simply getting back to 'normal' life. Although I was a very different person at the end of my road to recovery, I was living my life differently. I know now if I try to go back to the old ways I simply can't, because I am fundamentally different.
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For a long time I've hidden my true story from others through fears of rejection, embarrassment and fears of others misunderstanding. Having some coaching recently has made me realise that hiding my true story and that casting a shadow over it, is not serving me anymore; it's actually doing more harm than good. So if you are reading this now and I haven't told you about my history it's not because I do not value you, it's because I find it a hard thing to bring up, I still feel embarrassment, I cannot always say why, but writing this is part of my path of action towards being more open about it.
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The work I do now with patients from a pain and fatigue perspective is about recognising what they are pushing under, what is stressing their systems and how this is harming them, depleting them, keeping them small. I love giving hope and reassurance to my patients about recovery and ways to improve their health, just as I received this help back in 2007 and beyond. If I had not been through my own ill health journey I would not have the skills I have today, for that I am thankful.
Recovery is possible, I have experienced it and I am living it. I can empathise with what its like to have a health condition that feels very hard to shift. If this story brings up something in you, contact me, lets make a plan and let me help you to move forward.
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